The Delusion of Eloquence: Agley Mod pe Maut Khadi Hai, Marne ki bhi kya jaldi hai V.23

Its a pit stop.

I'm acutely aware that this year, I did not write my birthday post. Sometimes in your life, life happens.

It might sound like a clickbaity line, the one that keeps you interacting with the reel/short/vid/god knows what, till its end but, life did happen to me. My sweet, my life, my annoying half who hates me sleeping in late, got diagnosed with a late stage cancer. My fingers shake while I write these words a year hence. I remember the moment and the words, as clearly as if they happened yesterday.

I had previously experienced those words about 22 years ago, in a similar environment. The words then were “We’ve lost him, he’s no more”; the words last year were “The test result came back, its cancer” delivered in the same matter of fact tone by the doctor. What it leaves behind is a mental devastation that a lot of people have felt, but is really hard to explain. Its usually accompanied by a ringing in the ears, a dissociation from reality where everything is accelerated and everything slows down, wherein your mind has heard the words but has not yet registered them, it’s a state of shock. This is definitely accompanied by a state of denial, “there must be something wrong with the test” a hope against hope that somehow, somewhere, someone made a mistake. That these things happen in movies and not to people like us. “Look at her age”, “her clean living”, “her happy and vivacious visage”. All of this is denial – the pleading to a higher entity that let this problem not be a problem.

The Kubler-Ross model, I‘ve felt all the stages defined in it and can attest to its veracity. Right from Denial, Anger, Bargaining , Depression and Acceptance, even the recursion of levels – going from Bargaining back to anger and oscillating between the 2. Moving from anger to acceptance when the fuel of anger burns out and you don’t have the energy to rant and rave at the world for being so unfair. Bargaining with a god who is neither all powerful nor benevolent, at best, and malevolent at worst. If I had any doubt about such an entity, that was laid to rest during the ensuing months. Really god, really – what karma is a 3 year old serving? See, the anger still bubbles up despite it being a year. So, life happened and a few things that I realised from such a happenstance 

1. Your energy is limited, choose carefully where you invest it
2. Motivation is like bathing, you have to do it regularly or you start to stink
3. Take support, from wherever it comes. Don’t be egoistical about it
4. Anger, disappointment and frustration are a constant companion of any struggle. See point 2
5. Stepping away from a situation for a limited time can offer relief and a new energy to struggle with it, don’t feel guilty for stealing some time for yourself.
6. Support, I cannot stress enough, is vital for success. It can be as small as a phone call and a willing ear
7. Not dealing with a situation does not make it go away
8. The discipline of showing up is the most important. You might not want to do it, but you still do it – that is exactly what discipline and motivation are about.
9. As Indians, we have a habit of providing information and then expecting it to be done. Treasure those people who actually do something for you.
10. Death smiles at us all, all a man (person) can do is smile back. Then say “not today”

 

This continuous struggle takes its toll on you, every small setback feels like an additional boulder on your back and you keep wondering which straw will break you. I went back to my emo phase music, 1 song from Zinda comes back to me, I think it came back to me because its 20 years later and I can understand it more. The song with its perfect line “Jhukta nahi hai jo, wo tootne ka intezaar karta hai. Be-maut marta hai koi to har saans se pyaar karta hai”

Tiara, our golden girl, kept me sane. She was the normalcy in our life when everything was going insane. I cannot stress enough how much she does for my mental health.

Other things that would’ve made highlights were my trip to Europe, where all this started or rather the place where we felt it. Thank you Kava, Paprika Bhabhi, Guptaji and Bhabhi. It’s a beautiful place with no easy luxury, pathetic service and next to no immediate medical support apart from emergencies. It is also a place with clean air, clean water, beautiful skies and helpful folks. The architecture and places are also really nice, the lack of air conditioning seems to be a part of continental ignorance that global warming is occurring. The public transit moves according to time and schedule, the signages are mostly unhelpful. Small cities are picturesque, large cities are as much a shithole as any shithole large city.

 Another brother got married. Check.

Perfumes in India are crap, don’t buy here. Buy in Paris. Check Check.

You know you are middle class when the outlet mall seems prohibitively expensive. Check Check Check.

Agley Mod pe maut khadi hai, marne ki bhi kya jaldi hai.

Raphael