I have not written anything this year, I’m acutely aware of this fact. The passion with which I used to write, sometimes my fingers were unable to match my speed of thought. Now, it’s a separate story, for me there is no audience anymore, no one to read my thoughts. My fancies don’t soar anymore. My mind doesn’t vacation in fantasy land. I live on earth and consume dirt.
2024, was good and not good. My sweet completed her chemo like the champion she is, and then completed the hard part. A Body, life and soul altering surgery. The dread I felt during those days leading up to the surgery date was not something I would wish upon my enemies. She made it through just fine and I knew I had the jitters. Then my friend DP’s mother also got afflicted by this disease – another fight was beginning just as this one was ending.
Thus began the long and arduous road of immunotherapy. Which went on for months and every one of the sessions was an ordeal for my sweet. Sometimes I think that it’s a balance that the universe is trying to achieve. It saw my sweet with her free soul and it must’ve thought, how can i tether it? But, with every dark night there is a morning (or the Joker). She completed her treatment and is much better now, leading me to the most unreasonable purchase that I have ever made – 2 bottles of Blue label to celebrate her being better and sharing it with our best friends.
I’m a little scared now of travelling anywhere, I have been carrying the weight of responsibility and that has given me an irrational fear that If I’m away, something bad will happen. I reiterate that I know that this is a super-irrational fear, but to those who are afraid, there is nothing more compelling than the constant grating of the thought that something wrong is about to happen, when that pit in your stomach just doesn’t go away. Later on, I realised that this is what constant anxiety feels like. I’ve never been very anxious, but I’ve changed.
Our fight continues and it shall as long as I stand. Our heads have been bloodied, but yet, they are unbowed.
There were very few highlights in 2024. Earlier, my blogs were littered with inconsequential nothings that meant the world to me, apart from Gera, his mention in my blog posts is a ritual I will not let go of. Anyway, now I realise that those inconsequential nothings were what made life, happy. So here are some more nothings from the year before.
Had my first Roka anniversary, and I’d been married for 4 years at the time. Can you guess why? It should be obvious, 4 years have passed, yet this is the first anniversary. Think.
Prerna’s brother and his wife had their first kid. I have my first Bhateeja, if I don’t count my brothers from non-relatives. Else, I have a lot of bhateejas and bhateejis. While I became the angry phoopha, Prerna became (much to her chagrin) the kaleshi Bua.
Enroute to our vacation in Naldhera, I stepped foot into my alma mater after 15 years. It was a strange day for us to pick, convocation was happening at that exact moment and the college was decked up like a bride. It was the best moment to give my sweet a tour of my college. I saw Syal sir, a fiery and exacting professor during my time. I touched his feet and asked him that if he remembered me. “Varun Chowdhary from Biotech” was his response without beating a lash. It felt amazing, the warmth with which he met me was invigorating. To think that after 15 years and having gone through hundred’s of students he still remembered a guy in his class. When I look back at that time in 2005, I was an extremely lonely person. My college was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. It gave me friends with whom I can share the highest of highs and who will have my back in the lowest of lows.
I fell in my bathroom bumped my head and broke my finger, which I realised a month after it happened because I needed an X-ray on something completely unrelated. Re-did our bathroom and that was a royal pain. How will I ever build a house?
I will rest my bones now and prepare for another post that I want to deliver with my birthday.
Agley Mod pe Maut khadi hai. Marne ki bhi kya jaldi hai.
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